Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument where no matter how hard you tried, the other person just couldn’t understand your point of view? It’s beyond frustrating, right? You feel like you’re banging your head against a wall, wondering why something so obvious to you seems completely lost on them.
You’re not alone in this. We’ve all been there, feeling exasperated and questioning why people can’t just use a bit of common sense. This article is for you—to help make sense of these maddening moments and find a way to deal with them.
Common sense is personal
Common sense isn’t the same for everyone. What seems obvious to you might not be obvious to someone else. Why? Because our idea of common sense comes from our own lives.
Common sense is shaped by:
- The culture we are raised in.
- The education we receive.
- Personal life experiences.
- Influence of family and friends.
- Media we are exposed to.
- Religious beliefs we grew up with.
- Economic status: our relationship with money.
- Geographic location: climate and landscape.
For example, someone from a small town might see things differently than someone from a big city. Our schools, families, and cultures all teach us different things. So, what’s “common sense” for one person might be totally different for another.
Shared common sense in certain groups
Sometimes, we do share some common sense with others. If you’re in the same job, same neighborhood, or same club, you might have similar ideas. For example, people in the same job might agree on the best ways to do certain tasks. They possess a “common sense” they learned through job training and shared experiences. Understanding safety in the same way as coworkers, for instance, is vital to avoiding accidents. But even in these groups, not everyone will think exactly the same. There will always be differences.
The importance of communication
Because common sense varies so much, the best way to understand each other is to communicate clearly, preferably by talking directly. Instead of assuming someone knows what you need, tell them. Clearly state what you need, and be specific. For example, saying “I need 2 hours of quiet time when I get home from work” is more clear and specific than “I would like to relax a bit after work.”
- “Relax” could mean something different to you than the other person.
- “A bit” could mean 2 hours to you and 15 minutes to someone else.
Clear communication helps avoid misunderstandings and makes relationships stronger.
Real-life example 1: misunderstanding at work
Scenario
Jane and Mark work together on a project at a marketing firm. Jane is a senior graphic designer, and Mark is a project manager. Jane values creativity and believes that a flexible, unstructured approach leads to the best results. Mark, on the other hand, values organization and efficiency and believes in following a strict timeline to meet deadlines.
Initial misunderstanding
One day, Mark assigns Jane a task to create a new campaign design and gives her a deadline of two weeks. Jane, confident in her ability to manage her time and inspired by a burst of creativity, decides to experiment with several new design ideas. She doesn’t share her progress with Mark, assuming that her creative process is understood and respected as common sense in their field.
A week later, Mark checks in with Jane, expecting to see a nearly finished design. Instead, he finds that Jane has multiple drafts and concepts but no final product. Mark is frustrated and feels that Jane is not respecting the project timeline. Jane, on the other hand, is frustrated by Mark’s apparent lack of appreciation for her creative process.
Communication breakdown
Mark: “Jane, we’re a week away from the deadline, and it looks like you’re nowhere near finished. This is really concerning.”
Jane: “I’m working through multiple ideas to ensure we have the best possible design. Creativity takes time, and I thought that was obvious in our line of work.”
Mark: “But we need to stick to the schedule. We can’t afford to miss deadlines because of endless revisions. Why didn’t you update me on your progress?”
Jane: “I assumed you trusted my process. I didn’t think I needed to give updates until I had something more complete.”
Clear communication and resolution
Realizing that they are both making assumptions based on their personal versions of common sense, Jane and Mark decide to sit down and discuss their needs and intentions more clearly.
Jane: “I understand that meeting deadlines is crucial. What would help you feel more confident in my progress?”
Mark: “Regular updates would help. Maybe we can have a brief check-in every few days so I can see where you’re at and provide any needed feedback early on.”
Jane: “That makes sense. And for me, I need the freedom to explore creative ideas. Can we agree on some initial direction and then I’ll share my drafts with you regularly?”
Mark: “Absolutely. Let’s set some key milestones and check-in points to make sure we’re aligned. This way, you have your creative space, and I can ensure we stay on track.”
Note from Girl Friday:
This resolution is decent, but did you notice anything unclear and not specific? Yup, Mark suggested “…a brief check-in every few days.”
- Does “brief” mean 5 minutes, or 30 minutes?
- Is “every few days” Monday and Thursday, or what?
To be fair, he did say “Let’s set some key milestones and check-in points,” so I’m hoping that means he was going to be more specific later and set up some specific meetings.
Outcome
By clearly communicating their needs and intentions, Jane and Mark find a balance between creativity and efficiency. Jane feels supported in her creative process, and Mark feels confident that the project will meet its deadline. Their improved communication leads to a successful project and strengthens their working relationship.
Real-life example 2: Misunderstanding in a romantic relationship
Scenario
Emma and Alex have been dating for two years and live together. Emma values quality time and believes that spending evenings together watching movies or talking is essential for a healthy relationship. Alex, on the other hand, values personal space and believes that having some alone time to unwind after work is crucial for maintaining a good balance.
Initial misunderstanding
Emma notices that Alex often retreats to his home office after dinner to play video games or read, rather than spending time with her. Emma feels neglected and starts to believe that Alex is losing interest in their relationship. She assumes that if Alex cared about their relationship, he would want to spend that time with her.
One evening, after another dinner where Alex heads to his office, Emma confronts him.
Emma: “Alex, I feel like you don’t want to spend time with me anymore. You always go to your office after dinner. It’s like you don’t care about us.”
Alex: “What? Of course, I care about us. I just need some time to relax and unwind after work. It’s nothing to do with you.”
Emma: “But I feel ignored and unimportant. Don’t you want to spend time with me?”
Alex: “I do want to spend time with you, but I also need some personal space to recharge. I thought you understood that.”
Communication breakdown
Emma and Alex realize they are making assumptions based on their personal versions of common sense and decide to talk about their needs and intentions more clearly.
Emma: “I understand that you need personal space, but I also need quality time together to feel connected. How can we find a balance?”
Alex: “I didn’t realize you felt that way. How about we set specific evenings for us to spend time together without any distractions, and other evenings I can have my alone time?”
Emma: “That sounds fair. Maybe we can have Tuesday and Thursday nights as our time, and you can have your personal space on the other nights.”
Alex: “I like that plan. And if I ever need more alone time, I’ll let you know, and we can adjust as needed.”
Note from Girl Friday:
This sounds pretty good. I think I would like this better if Emma also said, at the end, something like “Okay, and if I’m feeling a need for more together time some day, I’ll ask you.”
Outcome
By clearly communicating their needs and intentions, Emma and Alex find a way to balance quality time and personal space. Emma feels more valued and connected in the relationship, while Alex feels respected in his need for personal space. Their improved communication strengthens their bond and ensures both their needs are met, leading to a happier and more harmonious relationship.
More things from other places…
- The Myth of Common Sense
How the popular conception of common sense is faulty. - 10 Tips For Effective Communication In The Workplace
- 5 Reasons “Common Sense” is Killing Your Relationships
FAQs about misunderstandings and common sense
Conclusion
Now that you’ve had a chance to read through and think about it, hopefully, you’re feeling a bit calmer. Understanding that common sense isn’t as common or universal as we’d like to believe can be a game-changer. It’s not about people being stupid; it’s about different experiences and backgrounds shaping our perspectives.
By communicating clearly and expressing our needs, we can bridge those gaps and build stronger, more understanding relationships. Next time you find yourself in a frustrating situation with a “stupid” person, remember this: it’s all about perspective and communication. You’ve got the tools to handle it better now.
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